Memories and Thoughts!

Written on September 11, 2005

Of all things, I think I've figured out why everything was so black when I died. You've heard the stories of how people that die float above themselves at the moment of death? Well, I didn't. I didn't float up out of my body. My only thoughts were of my children and not leaving them. Thinking, they had to know they didn't cause any of this. When I had my stroke I was not upset, my sugar was not outrageously high. We had just eaten chicken fried rice with a huge glass of ice water. My mother's instinct and drive to protect my children from the wolves (so to speak) pushed me to the fight of my life, Literally. You see, I knew what my boys would be facing without me around, "My FAMILY!" When I was still in CCU (Critical Coronary Unit), I called my family in, I thought I was dying. My nurse on duty had called my mother so many times before she arrived, it borderline on harassment. When Mom did arrive with Chance (my youngest), I told her what I thought. Of course this upset her, she began to cry. Her words still echoes in my head at times, "Don't do this to me, I'm not ready!" Hell, I wasn't doing anything to her! I was still fighting for my life. And tell me who is ever really ready for their child to die? But, I could "feel" my light fading. When things went black (yet again), I found myself in a box. There was a blinding light outside of the box that shone through the cracks. It was like I was in a tanning bed, yet all the light was coming from the outside. No, it wasn't hot like a tanning bed is. There were no sounds, I'm not sure if that was because I was deaf or not, No thundering Voice of God! And yet I felt surrounded by Him. I began to plead to God to let me live. I remember telling Him that my babies didn't deserve to think they'd killed me or even caused this. They needed to know this wasn't even remotely their fault. Little did I know, My Daddy's mother had my oldest son suicidal with guilt!! She had actually convinced him that "he" had caused it. Of course, this is not true. My pleading to God for more time was my turning point. Mom said I began to get my color back after then. She told me I had gotten some color back but lost it, then I began to get better after that day. I did not ask for a minister, but one was called by the nurses. It makes me wonder if the drag and Nurses thought I was dying too? If so, was it because I thought so and told them so or was my health slipping? Did they know something I didn't?

Well, obviously it wasn't a good day to die. God granted me more time. How much? That's unknown for now. It's not that I'm ungrateful, I Love my boys! But, most days I'm not happy to be alive. Ironic, huh?? Come October 4th my nephew will be a year old. He is just getting good at walking. He's still a bit unsteady on his wee little feet, this makes me wonder:

Do you know how "Blessed" you are:

to be able to hold things with both hands?
to be able to stand up where you are?
to be able to wash dishes?
to be able to scramble eggs?
to be able to dance w/your child at their Prom or Wedding?
to be able to just waltz once more?

I've talked to family members and friends about this. I thought I would share with the readers. My thoughts on ever loving or being loved are for naught. Yes, I am the same mentally. But, that doesn't erase the fact that my body is broken beyond repair. I'm resolved to the belief that I'm being punished for something. With all that has happened in the last year, it's a given how things will be. I've faced the fact I gave my life's opportunities away for my boys. My fears were too over overwhelming to defeat. Therefore, I looked the other way when opportunities came. Do I regret it? YES!!!!! I don't regret trying to protect my boys from harm. What I regret is, all the time and love lost through out the years that could have been shared with someone. Yes my hope for love is none existent. I do believe I'll die alone and lonely in a house full of people. It is no one's fault but my own. The fact I didn't find anyone before my body was broken makes things pretty damn clear. Here's the thing that I've kept in mind, I am a WHOLE person within myself. I don't NEED to be with someone to make me feel whole. Over the years that's been the downfall of ALL of the women in our family! I can't deny I would like to share what precious time God has granted me. To spend my time with the one's that care and those I care about!

I've never seen a wild thing feel sorry for itself. A bird will fall dead, frozen from the bough never having felt sorry for itself. -A quote from GI Jane

Don't feel sorry for me. Thank God and appreciate life. Realize the gifts God has given you because one day it may be taken back.

God Bless,

Tina aka Love