Hello again! Yes I'm back.....as dread goes over a few, some are actually happy I'm here. To those few that are well, I'm glad to be back too, even though I'm where I am. Not that it's so bad where I am. I'm not beaten nor am I starved, it's just not where I want to be. But, I've faced the fact that I'm not really wanted where I want to be. Oh well, **** him and the horse he rode up on!! I don't wish him bad, I'll be the one getting over him, as he has already moved on. I'm no expert on men, I do know that they aren't all players. Nor do they all think with the "other" head, that just shows the immaturity in them. And as usual, I am looking at this as a learning experience. The sad part of it is, I've already known how to hurt. I didnt' need lessons in that. At least it's not as bad as it once was. Pain, because of love, doesn't ease with "Age"!! Being almost 40, doesn't make the pain go away any faster or easier. What I need to learn is how not to Love. I've always had so much Love for others, just haven't found the right one that can truly appreciate it. Nor have I found the one that wants it. Well, let me rephrase that! To me, there has to be sparks, the chemistry part of a relationship. It's hard to find out that years earlier someone was in Love with you, with you never knew it. When they say that "Love is Blind," they should also add that the "Loved are as Blind!" I suppose some are thinking, "Oh God she's back on her soapbox!!" Hmmm Maybe.... But, there are somethings that need to be put down, if for no other reason but to remind myself of all the feelings I'm having. Maybe then, when the flags fly, and they will, I'll recognize them for what they are. I don't get too many "RED Flags," not like I use to. But then again, if someone smiled at me, there was a red flag. Weird thing is, I recently happened. Just before I left from Oklahoma, a very nice looking gentleman, just smiled in passing. "Red Flag" hit me. I still have a hard time when anyone tells me I'm pretty (or beautiful). My first thought, "What do they want from me??" Compliments weren't a common thing when I was growing up. Plus the fact that someone I trusted had hurt me over and over again. Not many of my friends know about this part of my life. Not that I hide it, it's just easier not to talk about. Believe it or not, it makes others uncomfortable to hear that I was sexually abused as a child. Hell, now that's laughable. Think about it! Some can't imagine how it would feel, others experienced it, and still have no clue as to how to feel about it. Dealing with my sexuality is a job in it's self. Men Love a woman with as High a sex-drive as I have. But, then when they are with women like myself, can't handle it!! Oh they think they can. But it actually, intimidates them in the long run. This is no way bragging!!!!! It's hard to find a man that wants more than just a roll in the hay. And I want someone that is willing to be around longer then it takes to wash him up. No offense to those that live with their Mother's. But, I need a man who isn't afraid to move away from his Mom. Who doesn't think that if they aren't there She won't know what to do. My Mother had a stroke in 1995, and she would have lived in a house without any lights, just to live where she wanted to be. I couldn't let that happen. But my brother had his own life to live, and she didn't fit in. She's living with him now, I'm not sure how well that is going. She doesn't seem to happy with it, but, he won't say anything to me about it. With the past we have, I don't wonder why. Plus, how much good would it do?? We all vent, myself included, we've all realized that complalining about things don't change them. And you usually end up with a killer headache on top of it, so why bother? This is one of my ways to vent, whether it be about Love or Family! Funny thing is, they hate it when I name names..... LMAO Like I could really give a Shit!! Maybe that's why they hate it so much?? I don't even care enough to ask!!!!! I'm a Believer in God, therefore, I will pay for my sins, not other's. I don't have to condone things for them to happen, even where I live. As we all know, not all things are kosher everywhere, not illegal, just not "right." A few things about where I live now. It's a small town, that's grown a lot since the last time I was here. I live with my Granny, she goes to church as much as her health allows. In which, is every time the doors open. I type that with a smile on my face, she's so fiesty it's unbeleivable that she's 78. My Grandpa died in 1992, just 2 weeks after Alex was born. He never held him, I regret that. I'll tell you why. After I had Bobby, my oldest, I had a gallbladder attack and Bobby came out here to stay with my Grandparents during my hospital visit. My Grandpa had him in his lap throughout the day, since Bobby was only 2 weeks old, it was like bringing life back into him. For 2 weeks, whenever Bobby grunted or made any sound at all, Grandpa was there to pick him up and talk to him the whole day through. I Wished my Boys had really known My Grandpa. He was like the song that Randy Travis sang, "I thought He could walk on Water!" He had "Morals" that he'd fight for, truly a dying breed. He's missed by all of us. When he died my Granny changed. He'd been the one that took care of all the business part of their lives. Some know this kind of loss, others don't. She was Lost, I think, she had church to help her more than most realize. He'd married her when she was 15, she's never worked out of the home and never learned to drive. Even to this day, she gets someone to carry her where ever she needs to go. She owns her own car, she's just never sit under the wheel. I wonder if others take for granted the ability to do the simplest things, or do they ever think of those that can't?? I suppose I should bring this to a close. I think about it. LOL While Chance lies next to me sleeping, I just keep typing and wondering if anyone will read this and smile. My thoughts and prayers are with those that have recently lost a loved one. Also, I pray for all those that I Love. As I still have a lot of Love for others, my thoughts on that are, Maybe others should learn to Love more, Not me Love Less!! May Love and Peace Be with you where ever you may be!!! God Bless you and keep you all Safe. Til next we Meet, Tina